Are You Loving Your Spouse The Way They NEED To Be Loved?
Love Languages are not just a “THING”. They are quite real and are very important to understand when it comes to navigating the peaks and valleys of your spouses’ innermost feelings. It’s best that you start learning more about this now because it will save you much headache and heartache in the long run. Take it from us! It’s easy to love someone the way you truly want to be loved, but the problem arises when that may not resonate with the other person’s love language.
We’ve been told all of our young and adult lives that you should treat others the way you want to be treated. While this may be true in the general way of thinking, it doesn’t necessarily work that way in a marriage. While treating each other with respect and love is at the core of our marriage, we have adopted the understanding that your spouse’s love language is key in having the love reciprocated in the best ways. According to Dr. Chapman, there are 5 love languages, which speaks to every person’s emotions in some form or fashion. Usually, you have a primary and secondary love language. They include words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service and gifts.
Here’s a perfect example from our personal experience:
For years, my wife would buy me gifts, trying to surprise me with things she thought I would like. While the thought was appreciated, she never received the response that she desired from me. She thought it was a wonderful gesture but always felt that I was wrong for not making her feel fulfilled for taking the time to buy me a gift. This caused arguments because in her mind she was simply showing me that she cared. However, she simply didn’t speak to my love language.
For years, my husband wouldn’t hear me out when I would express how I loved physical touch; not just the “real physical” but hand holding, random hugs and cuddling while watching a movie. More intimacy was at the core of what I desired from him. My husband fought against my desires instead of hearing me and gave excuses as to why he wasn’t as affectionate as I needed him to be. Instead, he would make all sorts of plans to spend quality time at home, doing what he loved to do; watching episode after episode of The Three Stooges or binge watching movies. I appreciated the quality time, but he simply didn’t speak to my love language.
So here’s the thing: We can all come up with reasons why we aren’t the person our spouse needs us to be at all times, but it takes for your spouse to get out of their comfort zone to truly be willing to accept that we don’t have all the tools or resources to make the marriage successful. So many people want to change their marriages (or so they say), but are not always willing to put in the work that it takes to thrive. Whether you’ve been married for several months or several years, having the same arguments concerning how you feel about one another and what they aren’t doing for you maybe an indication that you aren’t nurturing their
style of loving.
We didn’t always have a successful marriage. We learned the hard way, literally. But now, our experiences can enlighten someone else’s situation to remind them that they are not alone. If God did it for us, then HE will do it for YOU. There are things you must simply decide to do to make the marriage work, and you can start with reading “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. Once you read it, you must then apply it to the marriage on a daily basis with love of course! The first time we read the book, it was a true eye opener but the next few times served as timely reminders to remind us that marriage WORKS!
Tune in next month for our next topic: Are negative outside influences blocking you from seeing the light at the end of the tunnel in your marriage?